


tired of my time

by never_bloom_again



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cute, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt Derek, Hurt/Comfort, I hope?, M/M, Near Break Up, Protective Derek, leading into the Maeve plot, the headache plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:55:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26232289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/never_bloom_again/pseuds/never_bloom_again
Summary: at first it was the headaches. then? it was his boyfriend avoiding him like the plague.ORderek is wondering why spencer no longer seems to want to be around him
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 14
Kudos: 76





	tired of my time

**Author's Note:**

> so, i don't really like this that much, but i was getting nowhere on the upcoming chapter of state of mind, and i found this almost finished draft, so i hope you enjoy it!

At first, there were the headaches. Excruciatingly painful to experience, heartbreaking to watch. Because they weren’t just headaches. They were paranoia, fear, anxiety, the knowledge that any day now could be his last day fully lucid, fully in control and alert for a long time, if not forever.

The headaches were killing Derek to watch. He had to watch the love of his life going through this, and he was powerless. These weren’t something he could yell at, beat up or arrest. These weren’t something he could control, or save Spencer from.

He couldn’t help but wonder if Spencer blamed him for not being able to save him. Derek was supposed to be Spencer’s knight in shining armour, his brave defender, and yet, this time, he was useless.

What he could do, however, he did. He was there to make Spencer tea, to hold him close when it hurt too much to do anything but sleep, to reassure him that even if this was schizophrenia beginning to manifest itself in him, that Derek would always be right by his side, loving him. 

Regardless of his efforts, there was a constant doubt burning at the back of his brain. _What if he blames me? I should be able to help him. Maybe if I were smarter I could at least know some way of lessening his pain._

Derek was more than aware of the irrationality of this. Spencer appreciated that Derek was doing his best ( _didn’t he?_ ) and knew from first hand experience that even his genius mind and some of the smartest doctors could do little to lessen his pain.

When the headaches stopped, Derek was just as overjoyed as Spencer. It hurt, seeing the person you love most in excruciating pain. So when a side effect was a temporary distance from him that seemed to have developed between them? He would live with that. His Pretty Boy was happy, and healthy, and that was what mattered to him.

The distance didn’t fade though, as the days passed, instead steadily growing greater, despite Derek’s best efforts. Even when Spencer was right beside him, he wasn’t really there, his head off miles away, no matter what Derek seemed to do or say. It was frustrating, and he missed his love so much, but more than anything, he was worried.

There were so many possible reasons that Spencer could be drifting - none of them good. He was hiding something, that was for sure, but what?

He could be unwell, or it could be his mother, but he wasn’t distant at work, which Derek felt meant it was something to do with him. Something like Spencer wanted to leave - in which case, he wasn’t sure what hurt him more, the fact Spencer wanted to break up with him, or the fact that he didn’t feel as though he could tell Derek out of what was probably fear.

It left Derek with a conundrum - did he break it off, save Spencer from his fear, or did he try and enjoy every moment he had left? Neither sat quite right with him - if Spencer was done with him, then Spencer could man up and leave Derek himself, but also, he couldn’t live knowing that he was in a one sided relationship, that he was in a relationship that one person didn’t even want to be in.

“Hey Spence,” he said to the man sitting next to him on the couch, but with inches of space between them, rather than their limbs tangled together, sprawled on top of one another as they once would have been. “Is everything okay?”

It was a feeble final attempt to get Spencer to talk, to admit he was tired of Derek, wanted someone else, something else. He had tried hinting at it for over a week now, but Spencer never took the bait, never told him exactly what was happening.

At this point, Derek was getting ready to just leave himself, stop waiting for Spence, save them both the effort of this relationship that Spencer had clearly lost interest in, go to a bar, either find some hot girl to hook up with, or drink himself into oblivion for a night. Either would work well enough.

He didn’t want to be there, though, he wanted to be cuddled on the couch with his Baby Boy, the way they used to be, but since that wasn’t possible, he would just settle for a break from the hurting, the anger.

When he got no response, he was done being delicate about the matter. He turned around to fully face Spencer, grabbing the TV remote, muting it. 

“Spencer, you need to talk to me! I thought we would finally be good once you were over the headaches, once you were getting better. I thought we’d just get to be happy for a change! But instead you’ve decided you don’t want anything to do with me!”

Derek was teetering on the edge of yelling, only holding back with the fear that if he did yell, Spencer might not talk back, that everything would end, and there would be no finality.

“Der, I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Liar. It was a lie, that was clear, without a doubt. Spencer couldn’t have subconsciously been avoiding and ignoring him for over a month. His brain was too big for that, he was too aware and busy overthinking his actions.

“Just break up with me if you want to! I… There is no point in this stupid sitting around waiting for the end business. You are just wasting time - mine and yours.”

Tempers were rising, and not just Derek’s. Spencer was angry, and were it any other time, Derek would have smiled at how cute the younger man looked with an expression akin to that of a wet kitten - angry, maybe dangerous, but much too cute to be intimidating.

“I’m not breaking up with you! Didn’t you listen the first time?”

They both needed to calm down, take a step back, but they were both too involved. Derek wasn’t going to let this go again.

“Spencer, I know when you are lying - I’m a profiler, and I know you too well not to realise. You want to break up with me. You can’t even stand to be around me,” he gestured to the space between them, “ so just stop!”

Something changed with those words, the air suddenly much different. That was the end of the anger. Now it was just sadness.

“I don’t blame you, you know. Why would you want me to stick around forever? I couldn’t even look after you well enough when you were getting your headaches. I couldn’t help you.”

“Derek… I don’t blame you for that!” Spencer said, anger not having fully escaped him as it had Derek, although it quickly burnt out.

“Then why Spencer? Why can’t you talk to me any more? Why can’t you be around me any more? What did I do?”

Silence. It was painful, more painful than the anger, the shouted words. The implicit lack of trust because this… something, this reason, was something that Spencer felt that he couldn’t share.

But when Derek finally looked Spencer in the eyes, when he finally decided that enough was enough, that Spencer could tell him, or that this was done, even though his heart was breaking inside his chest, the fight within his boyfriend softened.

“It’s not about you,” he said. And for a change from every relationship he had in the past, that wasn’t followed with “It’s me,” or something along those lines, a half hearted attempt to hide that he wasn’t relationship material, not to them anyway.

Instead this time, it was a story, one Derek could only hope would have a happy ending.


End file.
